Baby Steps.

The beginning of this year hasn’t got off to the best start, not really the start I would have preferred anyway. I’ve made choices that hurt me and have been really hard, but I know in the long run, will be better for me. I have been insanely overwhelmed by the support I’ve received from everyone since my last post and I couldn’t be more thankful to every single person that read it and reached out to me. I was definitely feeling the love and you’re all beautiful humans. It hasn’t gone unappreciated, I promise.

I’ve made a promise to myself that this year I will look after myself. I will regain my fitness, my health and my happiness but in order to do that I have to evaluate my life and have a serious think about what enhances my life and what hinders my life and stops my happiness from growing. I’ve had to make choices that I never thought I’d have to make. I’ve removed people from my life that I thought would have a huge part of it and would be there for a very long time. Sometimes we have to realise that just because we’d move the world for a person, it doesn’t mean they would do the same for us. It’s highly disappointing when you come to the realisation that not everyone has the same heart as you and you waste it on people who do not deserve it. The only people that deserve a space in your life are the people that fight to be a part of your life, we should not be wasting our time on half-arsed human beings who only decide they want to bother out of convenience or when it suits them. We deserve better, and will get better.

Music is a huge healer for me, my itunes is absolutely jam packed with music for every mood. I have a bad mood playlist, a chilled out playlist, a party playlist, a happy playlist…you get it. Mumford and Sons will always be my go-to band when I’m down, or when I just need time to myself to think. Trust me when I say that Marcus Mumford and his bandmate’s literally saved my soul. Sometimes you just need some time to cut yourself off from the world and escape and I do this with music, and sometimes with a good book. I can spend hours listening to music and just hearing the lyrics. If you ever feel like you’ve had a shitty day and just need to take an hour to chill out, put your headphones on and listen to your favourite songs- trust me it helps.

This year is the year of self-care. If it does not make me happy, does not make me thrive in anyway, there is no space for it in my life. I’ve started running again which has already made me feel so much better, I’m making a point of drinking more water (even if it does make me want to pee ALL OF THE TIME) and I’m learning to take each day as it comes. Healthy eating is a must, well, sometimes. We all love a chinese takeaway and to be perfectly honest I don’t think I could live without crispy beef being a ten minute walk from my house when I need it, but you get the idea. Healthy eating and a bit of naughtiness within reason.

We must always keep in mind that if we choose to change ourselves, it must be for the right reasons.  Not because someone else looks good in a pretty dress and not because you don’t fit the standards of another person, but for yourself. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent- totally stole that from The Princess Diaries, but its 100% true. You should only make changes in your life if it is to make yourself happy, not everyone else. If you live to other peoples expectations and standards then you’re not you, you are the version of you that they want you to be. If a person does not accept you for who you are then you really should be telling them to do a running jump out of your life because they are not the kind of people that will help you grow.

This is the point I’m trying to make. The year of you. The year of self-love. Actually it shouldn’t even just be a year, make it your life. Why should you make a short term change when it makes you a happier and better person? If I find that the choices I make have helped me heal and helped me thrive then they will be made permanent changes. We are too hard on ourselves when we are made to believe that we don’t fit the standard or expectation of another person, we are made to feel inferior and insignificant. NO ONE IS INSIGNIFICANT. Just because one person feels you aren’t up to their standards it doesn’t mean you aren’t the best person you can be, if a person makes you feel like this then they are clearly a shitty person. You shouldn’t have to meet anyone’s expectations or anyone’s standards, we are who we are and if someone doesn’t like it then they are not worthy of a space in our lives. There is no need for people to feel unappreciated. If we are all truly happy with our own lives we have no need to pick holes at others.

That is my goal- to be truly happy with life. Don’t question what the world brings and just go with it.

Let’s see how this one pans out!

 

 

 

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Unapologeticically me.

I haven’t written in a very long time, months in fact. I should apologise to myself for this because I personally find writing one of the most therapeutic things. Writing, reading and music, the three things that calm and let you vent your issues. There is a reason I haven’t written in so long, I found myself in a rut, I was unhappy, lonely, bored and to be perfectly honest I felt fed up with my own life, I felt like I was the only person who was unhappy and everyone around me had the best life. I had a constant lump in my throat, like when you swallow a tablet and it doesn’t go down properly and lodges itself in your wind pipe, I had paranoia where I thought if I went anywhere, people would look down at me and talk about me and if you know me at all, you’ll know that is not me. I’m the girl who doesn’t care, the girl who just carries on above everything. It’s taken me a long time to be able to talk about it, the thought of putting this to the world and people seeing it makes me want to poke my own eyes out, but I know I’ll feel better for it even if no one reads it.

That’s who I thought I was anyway, the girl who doesn’t care. It turns out, I very much am the girl who cares and the girl who dwells on things. I never used to be and I couldn’t tell you how I came to be this person writing this now but what I can tell you is that I am not hiding myself anymore. I have promised myself that I will be open, I will be happy and I will be honest and if someone cannot accept that, then they are not the people who deserve a space in my life. I have flaws and I am now confident in saying that I am proud of them. I bet you’re thinking “what the hell is she rambling on about”, I’ll get to the point, I promise.

Some day in October 2017. I woke up, got ready and went to work. I enjoy my job, it keeps my mind focused and I work with the best bunch of people. On this particular day it couldn’t help me, I was all over the place, my chest was tight, I was shaky, I hadn’t slept and I felt like at any moment I was about to blow, it was only when I sat down and tipped the tiniest drop of coffee from my mug onto my desk I realised what was wrong with me. My reaction to tipping my coffee was the most ridiculous thing, I got upset, I got angry and had a complete freak out. This was not the first time it had happened (not the tipping of the coffee, the freak out), a few months earlier I had a complete melt down over the fact I had bought presents for my nieces and nephews and in my head I had it all planned out, one bag of presents for each and one bag of sweets. When my mother (who means well and is a saint for dealing with me) put all the presents together in one bag, and told me about this in the middle of sainsburys, I completely freaked out. I kicked off in the stationary aisle and basically just had a meltdown over it. I put it down to “lady time of the month mood” at the time. It wasn’t.

After I had cleaned the coffee off my desk at work, the first thing I did was phone my mother, I asked her to get me an appointment with the doctor because I knew deep down something was not right and I had known for a long time, I just refused to admit it, I cried down the phone to my poor mother who was helpless at home while I pretty much told her I felt like my life had fallen apart. I went to the doctor the day after and told them everything, how I felt and how I wanted to feel.  I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I was diagnosed with depression and severe social anxiety. Yeah I know, its quite hard to believe, I didn’t want to believe it myself but whatever. I knew at that point, I either had to do something to bring myself out of this mess or I would get worse and end up a shell of the person I used to be. I wont lie, it is the worst thing ever, I will have days where I feel invincible, I’ll feel on top of the world and I’ll have the best day. Then I’ll have days where I wont get out of bed, I don’t want to face the world and I’ll sit in my room by myself away from the world I actually crave to be a part of.

My favourite comment is “oh but you have nothing to be depressed about” please don’t say this to a person who has told you they suffer with depression, they are fully aware of this and it takes insane strength to stop themselves shouting “I KNOW THAT, I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO BE THIS WAY YOU SILLY HUMAN BEING.” It isn’t a choice, and it happens regardless of what you have in life or what you don’t have.

Everything feels like a blur, the only thing that keeps me constant and keeps my mind at ease is reading, music and being at work. When I’m at work, I’m in control and I’m focused. When I’m reading, I can forget everything and get lost in the book. When I listen to music, I shut off from the world that’s causing me the stress and anxiety that brings me down.

There are people out there that have this a million times worse than I do and I’m not seeking sympathy or attention(it may sound like I am, I’m really not, if you know me, you’ll know I hate all that kind of stuff because it makes me feel awkward) however, I also know I’m not the only person battling against my own mind, if anyone is reading this and feels the same way, you’re not on your own. People may say you’re overreacting or you’re just being over the top, I used to think this but you’re not. No one else can see the car crash of shit going through your mind. I just want people to know, I have good days, I have bad days. I have days where I’ll be the happy, carefree, loudmouth I used to be, and I’ll have days where I won’t talk to anyone and I’ll feel like I’m back to square one, I’m not being intentionally rude, I promise. I’m seriously working on getting my old self back, and I have had the most amazing support from my family and my friends but I know that it will be a hard thing to do. Learning to let go of things that bring me down is one of the hardest things, things you think are good for you but in fact are the most toxic things to you and they drain your energy without you even noticing, until you realise how exhausted you are one day from keeping up with the facade of “this is what I need to do to be happy because that’s what other people have”. I have now realised that the only person responsible for my own happiness is me and my personal mission is to get my happiness back to the level it was a long time ago. I don’t mean to sound like a bossy bugger but if you’re reading this just stop and think the next time you think someone is being rude or ignorant towards you (9 times out of 10 they probably are just being rude) but sometimes a person is dealing with a lot more than they let on, be mindful that just because you aren’t dealing with issues in life, doesn’t mean someone else isn’t.

Like I said, I’m not talking about it because I want sympathy or attention, I genuinely think it isn’t talked about enough, I have never understood why people shudder at the thought of talking about people and mental health, talking is healthy, talking helps. It doesn’t make you any less of a person, it makes you strong. If everyone spoke about their issues we’d have a lot less problems in the world. I may not have the happy mind I would like at the moment, but what I do have is enough to help me find my way back to it. I have my job that I love with the most understanding people around me and I have my friends and family who have shown the greatest support and I couldn’t be more grateful to them. I love you all.

This is my way of telling people “this is me”, and I’m working on it.

Just bare with me guys.

 

 

Hi.

IMG_3732My name is Aisha. I’m 25. I live with my parents and my sister. I have a job. I have an income. I have a car. I have a family. I have the best friends. I am not at the place in life where I thought I’d be right now.

When you list what you have it seems so much more than when you look at it. Sometimes people feel like they have nothing when they have so much more than they ever realised, if you have a roof over your head, you’re richer than most people in the world. If you have family and friends you’re richer than most people in the world. If you have a job, you’re richer than most people in the world.

I used to panic at the thought of not being in the right place in life, like my friends were moving forward and I was stuck in the same place. They were moving out with their partners, having babies, getting married and I was stuck in a little village living with my parents. I felt like my life had somehow frozen in time and everyone else’s was speeding up and moving on.

Sometimes life deals you a card that completely throws you, I can honestly say this happens to me more than I’d like to admit!

Its taken me a while to get to the point where I feel at ease with where my life is and the fact I can’t do anything about it and I need to let life happen.

I have a job, I have a family, I have friends. I have more than what a lot of people have and just because others are at different points in their lives it doesn’t mean my life is in any way inferior, it just means I haven’t been dealt that card yet.

I’m not even sure who will see this and who won’t, I’m not even sure I care. This is my way of having a moan and telling myself to pull up my big girl pants and get a grip. Someone might like what I write, maybe someone might hate it. Thats fine. This is me. No one has to like it and I’m not asking them to, but its highly likely I am not the only 25 year old at this point in life and maybe I can make others who feel this way realise it’s actually not as shitty as it sounds in your head. You have a hell of a lot more than some people and you should be eternally grateful for what you have because you have a lot. You will have more, you will have a different path in life and you will move forward. It will happen at the right time and it will happen when it is supposed to happen. Be patient and let the world deal your cards the way they were meant to be dealt.

Stay tuned guys, follow the life of the singleton who can’t seem to sort her life out, I might even get better at it 🙂